lil something i read

XMAN RETURNS pt 2
The Continuation

Many things have happen since I last wrote MAN RETURNS. I'm still partially paralyzed on my left-side. Valerie and I are not together. I still do Indian performances once in awhile. I live alone and struggle to survive.

My Memorial Day Pow Wow is on it's 17 year, after a very successful 16Th annual. The people of Laredo pack the place up. Mayor and ex-mayor were there. News coverage from the newspaper and Laredo news TV, were also present.

After I left San Antonio and Mi Guerra, I returned to Laredo. I stayed with a great friend named Veronica for awhile, trying to get my life back in order. I've known Veronica since 1999 and she's been a great friend. Valerie and I continued to speak, even-though Veronica would bitch, because I would go outside in the cold weather to sit in private, and speak with Valerie. I still I would take a Greyhound Bus to SA, so I could visit Mi Guerra once a month or every two months. Always trying to keep it at 2 month maximum because I miss her so much.

I let go of my 2nd black Mustang, a car I bought, so Valerie could have a good car to drive, but yeah, I'm like all men, I miss my Pony. Though it was what I wanted, I bought it for her, so she would have something safe to drive, with no breakdowns.

Valerie and I got more close than what we used to be. It was fascinating to me, to have a gorgeous woman like Val by myside. A woman that would make me feel like a teenager, all happy and excited. Now,.... though I know I shouldn't do this, I compare every woman I meet now to Valerie. Once in a lifetime, we will fall in love with a person, like I am in love with Valerie M. Escalera. A love where sex has no authority or control of our lives. A love that has no selfishness, except on her part cause I love to spoil her and loves being spoiled. A love where she was totally number 1 in my life. A love where making her happy was my priority.

I've lived a boring life without a car. The only excitement I got.... was when I would go see Val in SA. We did little things. The local Pub and Grill, Walmart, HEB, Target, nothing important to the normal person, but exciting to me because the most beautiful girl in town was with me, and I was out of my lonely, boring condo. I have to mention all the phone calls she still gave me, and me always complaining I wanted more calls. She still lighted my face whenever I'd get a call from her. Made my heart skip with excitement every time she called.

How do you explain to a woman how she makes you feel. How do you tell her about the feelings I'd get inside my body. How do you explain to a woman when I couldn't explain to myself? Hey, I've been in love before, but never like this, never had I unexplainable feelings.

You can tell her you love her, but is that enough? I know now that once you get a love like mine there is no way any partner will ever feel the same way you do. She might love you but it will never be 100% the way I love her. She might like the way you love her and be happy, but never be able to give you 100% of the love or happiness back.

I think I've met 20+ women in the year and a 1/2, since I've been back to Laredo. To All I did the unthinkable and compared them to Valerie. There will never be another woman to replace her. Never another woman for me as gorgeous as her. No woman will probably ever excite me like her again, and I will not let my feelings ever be taken over by someone again. This doesn't mean I won't have fun. I will go back to being my old self, a little older, but The Lord of the Plains. Pow Wow Highway time, traveling, meeting people and meeting women all over this country,.... and enjoying myself This is just part of life, and I've always known how to have fun.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Valerie because she will struggle without me, but she made a choice of not making a life with me, she has free will. Oh well, life goes on, with or without, the woman of my dreams. I will live! Oh well! LOL, Hell, I will miss her for the rest of my life. I might LOL, but in my heart there is no laughter in this. I can not, but if I could, I would have tears of sadness. Yet my tears have dried out over the years.

I will try to fade her from my memory. I know it will be hard to do, and if by chance she would want us to return one day. I will most likely decline because of the wasted 4 years, on and off, with her in my life.

Then came out of nowhere, a beautiful Indian gal named Noemi, but that will be another story for a later date. How can I get depressed with Noemi in my life? 2 weeks, without Val, unbelieveable? And, Noemi was brought over to me. Are the spirits still looking after me, so I won't be depressed or be alone in my secluded condo? Maybe my Arch-Angel Chamuel who is always watching over me? Am I worthy to receive kindness from God himself? Can a disabled, beat-up, mean old Comanche still have favor with the Creator all mighty? Other than listening to my prayers, am I worth it to be taken care of? Have I earned the right for this?

In 2010, I will return to write and see how things are progressing in my life. Native American people are normal people, we struggle, fall in love, and live everyday normal lives in this tough world of ours. We have elders who try to direct us on the right path, but as my Angel-Reading, bestfriend Sylvia says,..."Xavier, will do what Xavier wants to do." Oh! I'm an elder now. Time for me to help direct our young people lives. Aay! Which I've been doing for the last 17 years....God Help Us.